Ten Ways to Kill a Cat, and Then Some.

Why, all delights are vain, but that most vain
Which, with pain purchased, doth inherit pain:
As, painfully to pore upon a book,
To seek the light of truth, which truth the while
Doth falsely blind the eyesight of his look.
Berowne, Love's Labor's Lost (Act I Scene I)

Sometimes we dwell too much on killing ourselves that we often forget that more people deserve to die other than us. Haha. But isn't it a bit more convenient to instead plot for someone else's death other than ours?

Most of us would resolve, and I attest to this fact for I know a lot of people who think like this, to get their frustrations across, maybe from a hated professor, an intimidating orgmate, an irritating classmate or simply a nutty little brother, by visually thinking of torturing them slowly, while in a distant reality we are with them and they would say 'Oy, anunanamanbainiisipmojan! Lalim ng iniisip mo e konti lang naman neurons mo! HAHAHAHA!'.

So why not exploit these ways one by one?

To put our deliberation to a more euphemistic degree, let us display our homicidal thoughts into a more user-friendly approach by using a cat as our experiment. It's also a good measure if you are thinking of helping in decreasing the feline population in this world.

Think of the cat as your most hated person (or if you don't consider the person a person, it will also do). Illustrated here (with our handy kiddie chart courtesy of DeviantArt) are ten effective ways to kill a cat, followed by its otherwise morbid descriptive translations, effectivity circumstances, target persons and procedures for execution.

[1] The Body Fold
Otherwise Known As: Recoiling
Target Persons: Your Most Hated People
Effectivity Circumstances:
Make sure no one comes to their aid when you commence with your plan. Haha.

Procedure: This is the most subtle of all plots. To execute this, you need a very pungent poison or acid (strychnine is strongly recommended, as with the Psycho movies). Devise a plan to have him/her ingest the poison (via juice or drink), and watch him/her wince slowly in pain. Soon enough, the poor bastard will fold just like a handy jackknife. Sweet.

NOTE: Effective for would-be gymnasts or most probably just students with chronic bouts of LBM and constipation.

[2] The Towel Twist
Otherwise Known As: Arm Wringing
Target Persons: Hard Hitting People (mga taong may mabibigat na kamay)
Effectivity Circumstances:
Purchase a very strong glue/adhesive at your local hardware before doing this.

Procedure: Get a metal bar from a dilapidated classroom (or any other strong bar will do). Apply purchased glue/adhesive in large amounts. Approach the person and ask if it is okay to let him hold the bar for a second while you tie your shoelaces; MAKE SURE HE HOLDS THE BAR WITH BOTH HANDS. When it sticks, get a cloth, hold the bar, then twist forcibly as you would with a vault. Do it repeatedly until the limbs snap off.

[3] The Tail Pull
Otherwise Known As: Decortication
Target Persons: Perverts (mga manghihipo)
Effectivity Circumstances:
The bigger piece of torn flesh, the better.

Procedure: Perverts are said to 'show their tails' when misbehaving. Cut their tails off by using a sharp object (a scalpel is ideal) to tear their flesh apart. When confronting them, pretend to slap them (there is a superglued cloth on your palm), then cut their face and peel the cloth off. Simple as 1-2-3.

[4] The Head-n-Tail Stretch
Otherwise Known As: Mechanical Severance
Target Persons: Two-Timers (who deserve to be torn to pieces)
Effectivity Circumstances:
Plan for this very well. May take one whole day to execute.

Procedure: Find a way to make the victim fall unconscious. In the meantime, tie his limbs to four pulleys in a room, then slowly activate the pulleys. Shall I continue? Haha.

[5] The Arm Tug of War
Otherwise Known As: Basic Body Mutilation
Target Persons: Exes (Ah, sweet revenge. Haha)
Effectivity Circumstances:
Person must be upright and in an armspan stance.

Procedure: Plot a friend to act as the victim's boyfriend or girlfriend. Given that you are the ex, you should both corner him/her somewhere and pull his/her arms, one arm each. From out of a nearby bush, there should be another friend wieding two butcher knives ready to run and splice through the the shoulder joints to cleanly detach the limbs.

[6] The Whisker Swing
Otherwise Known As: Scalping
Target Persons: Terror Teachers (preferrably those who would pull your hair)
Effectivity Circumstances:
Make sure she does not have her hair put in a bun.

Procedure: Wear a mask, then sit in on one of her classes. After her class falls asleep of her lecture, act as a madman and pull her hair towards the door. Then close the door, locking the hair through. Pull with force.

NOTE: If the hair on her armpits are of the same length, pulling it will also do.

[7] The Ear Yank
Otherwise Known As: Pig Ear Laceration
Target Persons: Ignorants (people who would dismiss your opinions)
Effectivity Circumstances:
Person must be in a very close range.

Procedure: We have two proposed ways, given that one sunny day, you are nicely talking to the person and he dismisses your thoughts on a given matter:
[1] Fool around and nibble his ear. Then bite it off. This is the Mike Tyson stance.
[2] Fool around and pull his left ear. Pull out a cutter and slice it off. This is the Van Gogh stance.

[8] The Limb Dislocation
Otherwise Known As: Joint Fracture
Target Persons: Kleptomaniacs, Perverts, Bullies
Effectivity Circumstances:
WARNING! Be physically fit to execute this plan, or otherwise hire a professional to do so.

Procedure: For these wrongdoers to be prevented to do anymore harm, their limbs must be tied to each other. Do a 'Doctor Quack-Quack' type of limb displacement (if ever you play that knid of game when you were young), then leave the victim there until he/she dies.

[9] The Feline Slingshot
Otherwise Known As: cannonball
Target Persons: Social Climbers (and Posers)
Effectivity Circumstances:
Advise the person to remove their high heels before doing so. Or it may also do. Haha.

Procedure: While talking, pretend to give a friendly hug. While locked in an embrace, put a baby rocket at her back. Face her, and bid her goodbye. Count to five.

[10] The One-Hair Hang
Otherwise Known As: Rope Harness
Target Persons: Vain People
Effectivity Circumstances:
Secure a tree from which to exact the deed.

Procedure: It is your call on which limb or body part to tie, only make sure the knot is secured. Lasso the unaware person with a rope secured on a tree, then pull. The person will suffer from embarrassment, much grave than death itself. Haha.

Foo. This isn't really much of a morbid type of thinking.
Just plain, dark humour. Come on. Haha.